Archives for posts with tag: Cognitive behavioral therapy

design your future

When you review books, and particularly when you are behind in reviewing the stack of books at your bedside like I currently am, you form opinions of them as they wait to be read.

This is, of course, complete nonsense, the very definition of judging a book by its cover. But it happens.

For some reason when “Design Your Future: 3 simple steps to stop drifting and take command of your life” was sent to me, I took an instant dislike to it. I don’t know if it was the cover, or the tag line, or just more likely the subject matter. I rarely find that books meant to inspire me to change my life ever actually do. But I read it more out of a need to get it off my nightstand than anything else.

So by way of contrition let me be the first to say, I was wrong about this book.

I absolutely loved it.

Mr. Quartuccio has managed to mix basic cognitive behavioral therapy tools with basic goal setting and created a rather elegant way of looking at one’s life and life goals, without the pitfalls and baggage that makes people like me hate books of this type. “Design your Future” is an easy read with an elegant layout that does not feel simplistic.
The main idea of “Design Your Life” is that awakening, disrupting, and designing your life is a constant process that puts you in command (not control) of your life and helps you identify what is actually important to you. That most of us drift through life, afraid to make changes, but unhappy with our lives and with vague life goals that show a constant lack of progress, is probably not news to many people. That the stories we tell ourselves reinforce the status quo, and therefore continue to make us miserable, however, may be. What is really unusual is to finish a book with a real sense that these issues are solvable with a little work on your part.

One of the most intriguing tools in the book is the suggestion to write your own eulogy. Not as macabre as you might thing, writing your own eulogy actually gives a destination to your life. How long do you want to live? What are the things that you want to achieve before you die? What is actually important to you? By creating these fundamental goals for one’s life, one can then work backwards to see what the lessor goals need to be while also providing motivation. “I want to lose 20lbs” because I need to lose weight is a little adrift as a life goal, while “I want to lose 20lbs because my doctor says that will help me in my goal to make it to 80 years old” is more anchored into a general scheme to take control of one’s life.

I also really like the book’s emphasis on completing things rather than trying to make them perfect. “Ultimately, perfectionism is a guise for fear. Fear of being judged or being attacked or having your flaws exposed or whatever other weird hang-up you’re carrying. The book you’re reading is littered with so much imperfection it makes me cringe. But guess what? I’ve got a book.”

The nitpicker in me finds the over emphasis on meditation in “Design Your Future” a bit much, however, in fairness to Mr. Quartuccio he does acknowledge that all he wants to do is “ignite a personal curiosity” which he did in me.

Design Your Future is a surprising and useful book that talked directly to me. Perhaps it was just the right book at the right time; however, who cares. It’s a great read and made me think.

I’m off to write my eulogy.

I’ve been holding staff meetings in veterinary hospitals for 10 years.

That is a lot of monthly staff meetings.

It occurred to me perhaps others could use some of this information for their own meetings in the same way that I used this information from where ever I stole it from.

I’m envisioning this being an ongoing resource for those who have to come up with topics for discussion or team building.

You can find Part One on Customer Service here and you can find Part Two on Team Building Activities here.

I have removed a lot of the hospital specific information and so please feel free to add, rearrange, and generally change the information to suit your practice, or business.  I’m going to try and keep similar subjects together. This week we are looking at communication tools. There are a lot of pictures here which are either royalty free (from Pexels.com) or I have created so you are welcome to use all of them.  If you do end up using some of this I’d love to see your slide decks, pictures, or presentations.

ABCDE

We do a stressful job.

We, hopefully, try to keep the drama to a minimum.

We don’t always succeed.

When dealing with other people it often makes sense to question ourselves to help resolve an issue. If we intellectualize our emotional interactions it can help change behavior, and explain the connections between our actions and their consequences.

This system is based on Albert Ellis Cognitive Behavioral Therapy model, but it can be adapted to everyday interactions and is particularly useful for those who have a habit of repeating the same behaviors again and again.

ABC

A = An Activating Event. Something happens. It could be something another person says. It could be something that happens that to you:

  • It could be your spilt coffee,
  • or someone ran their car into the back of yours,
  • or your boss told you off for something that was not your fault.

These are all “Activating Events.” Things that are not in your control.

B = Beliefs about those events. When something happens to you, you have a belief about that event:

  • “I’m so clumsy and stupid I’m always spilling things,”
  • “That person who ran into the back of me can’t drive, or certainly should not be allowed to,”
  • “My boss is a jerk, I’ll show him, let’s see how he likes it when I go slow, and don’t talk to him unless I have to.”

C = Consequences of those beliefs. Having those beliefs leads to consequences:

  • A spilt coffee leads to questioning your ability to do anything, this makes you nervous when handling physical tasks, which in turn makes it more likely that you will spill or drop things.
  • You leap out of your car and immediately berate the person whose car just ran into yours, making sure that the person understands just how angry you are and how it is all their fault and that they can’t drive and should have their license taken away.
  • Your boss becomes exasperated with you as the quality, and particularly the speed, of your work deteriorates.

Consequences lead to more activating events that become self-perpetuating:

  • You stop doing any physical task with breakables or liquids.
  • When the police arrive you are placed in handcuffs for being disruptive and out of control.
  • You receive a written warning for insubordination, not being a team player, and having a bad attitude.

And in turn you have similar beliefs out these “Activating Events:”

  • “I’m so stupid and clumsy I can’t do anything, nobody trusts me and nobody should.”
  • “That guy and his crazy driving got me arrested, I’m going to get him.”
  • “What jerk my boss is, I’ll show him, I’m calling in sick tomorrow because I know they will be really shorthanded without me.”

abc

Activating events and the beliefs we have about those events lead to consequences, which in turn lead to more activating events which we have beliefs about which lead to more consequences.

abcabc

So how do we break this cycle?

It is important to understand that our beliefs about activating events are all in our head. They are what we think about the activating event, but they are not necessarily correct. Those beliefs that lead to consequences are really not connected to those activating events. We make those connections.

So when an activating event happens, we need to “D”ispute the belief we have about it if those beliefs lead to bad consequences, or consequences that get in the way of our happiness, career and general well-being.

abcd

By disputing those beliefs we gain new “E”xperiences. This in turn will lead to positive activating events which can re-enforce our new beliefs.

abcde

Our beliefs about activating events are a prism through which we see the world. We choose how to experience things. It is helpful to imagine a wall between activating events and beliefs. And it is our beliefs that act as a filter which leads to the consequences we want. We are responsible for our own experiences, and if we want to change those experiences we need to look at our beliefs about activating events.

[It is useful at this point to play out scenarios that staff members may have experienced, or that you all have experienced, and see how they fit into this model.]

 

Making your Job Easier – First impressions.

[This is very much a discussion based item. I am giving my opinions and how I would use them in this exercise. You may have different opinions and so may your staff. The point is to get people to understand that first impressions matter and that although it may not be right to base a relationship on first impressions, people do it all the time because of a lack of there data. If we can think about appearance and how others will interpret it we can at least have a discussion about presentation issues.]

First impressions matter.

They matter because you make decisions about other people and other people make decisions about you.  Now we can control whether we act on those decisions to a certain extent, but we have no control over how others view and act on their first impressions.

I believe that the better a first impression you can make the easier your job becomes. Your first impression is a tool that you can use before any other and it takes minimal effort.

man-people-space-desk.jpg

Who is this man? What are our first impressions of him? Is he at home? In his office? What kind of job does he do? How professional is he? Would we be happy going up and talking to him? What would we think if he talked to us?

What I take away from this picture:

  • Professional in a casual field (shirt, neat hair, type of laptop.)
  • Working away from his office (cell phone visible, laptop, and no cables to either).
  • Concentrating and busy, but seems approachable.

pexels-photo-52608.jpg

Who is this man? What are our first impressions of him? How does he compare to the previous photo?

What I take away from this picture:

  • Stressed!
  • Could also work in a casual field but difficult to tell if he is working or not (dress, stickers on laptop – note it’s the same laptop.)
  • Obviously in a coffee shop, but laptop is plugged in which seems to suggest given his demeanor that he does not want to be there as he has had to charge his computer.
  • Unapproachable.

These two individuals could be dealing with the same issue, in fact they could be communicating with each other. But from first impressions they are very different while essentially doing the same things and they could even be from the same company in very similar circumstances.

pexels-photo

What do we take away from this picture?

  • Businessman.
  • A successful professional (polished appearance and comfortable).
  • At a conference (lanyard around his neck)
  • Representing something (a company or organization pin on his jacket)
  • Listening and interested in what he is hearing, but not afraid of it.

pexels-photo-105472.jpg

What do we take away from this picture?

  • Business man.
  • Does not look as successful (unpolished appearance – shirt is neat but almost looks like it does not belong given the ill fitting sleeves. Unshaven.)
  • Looks nervous – not enjoying the conversation.

pexels-photo-325682.jpg

What do we take away from this picture?

  • Professional but casual.
  • Clean polo shirt, very neat.
  • Dentist (equipment in background)?

How does this picture compare to the last two? Is this how this dentist might look when coming into the office on his day off? Even so, do we trust him?

bodybuilder-weight-training-stress-38630.jpg

What do we take away from this picture?

  • Confidence
  • High self-opinion
  • Not very subtle
  • All about the impression – very loud and in your face.
  • Are you impressed?

pexels-photo-29172.jpg

What do we take away from this picture?

  • Doesn’t care what we think.
  • Some effort has been put into his appearance but on his terms (hair is neat, but unshaven, and an un-ironed shirt.)
  • Cigarette is a statement.
  • Are we impressed?
  • A tragic figure?

How we present ourselves to others has an impact. If all a client has to go on is a few short words with us then the non-verbal cues such as our demeanor and our dress are just as important if not more so in building trust.

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